Women Supporting Women— Negotiation

How many of you negotiated your first job? I opened my TEDx talk with this question. Nearly no one raised their hand, including me. In part, this is a trick question because responses differ by, no surprise, gender. According to researcher Linda Babcock, turns out 57% of men negotiated their first job offer after their MBA. Good for them. For women, however, it’s another story. According to her research, only 7% of women asked for more than what they were offered. And while I’d like to think the number of women asking for more has increased, judging by the demand for negotiation skills, and the continued gender gap in pay, I have to think the needle hasn’t moved much.

What’s the Big Deal?

Why does this statistic bother me so much? A couple of reasons.

• First, as a college professor who teaches classes with both women and men, it concerns me when I am sending the same message to both genders and getting a different response. I certainly don’t tell the men in my classes to “get out there and ask for more” while telling the women “be grateful they hired you.” I send the same message to both men and women—and yet the men ask for more and the women don’t. While I concede I have heard stories from women students about faculty members who tell women they can’t negotiate, or that women are bad at negotiation, those stories are the exception and the stories are becoming less and less frequent as the patriarchy continues to retire. Clearly, we need to do something different; women arrive on the job market with the idea of settling for what they are offered.
• Secondly, what should both of these numbers be? 100% Absolutely. Make no mistake about it. I’m as concerned about the women who do not ask for more as I am about the men who also do not ask. Everyone, women and men, should have the confidence and courage to ask for more.
• Third, this statistic accounts, in part, for the gender gap in pay. Yes, there are a number of other factors that can be blamed for the discrepancy between women’s and men’s wages but not negotiating doesn’t help. Suppose Jimmy and Susie are both offered the same job at the same pay rate after college graduation, which is a very realistic scenario. I work with college recruiters who insist the initial college grad offer is identical to avoid gender pay difference. However, Jimmy decides to ask for more and he gets it. That means he starts at a slightly higher pay level than Susie. Throughout a forty-year employment, that seemingly small pay gap grows exponentially with percentage pay increases. Based on the initial offer, that pay difference could range between $650,000 and $1,000,000 over the course of a 40-year career. Ouch. That is a chunk of change.
• But here is the real reason why that statistic bothers me so much. Whose responsibility is it to ask for more? It’s our responsibility. We can’t blame others if we don’t ask.

A friend of mine who was a father of daughters recruited college students for entry level positions. Because he was a true Girl Dad, he was determined that women working for him would be paid equal to men because that is how he wanted his daughters to be treated. Imagine his disappointment when, upon hiring a man and a woman for the same job, the man asked for more but the woman remained quiet and didn’t ask. As much he supported equal pay, he couldn’t justify, and I agree, giving the woman a pay raise because the man asked. He was crushed that the woman didn’t ask for more and he thus, became complicit to the gender pay gap. Fortunately, his daughter was one of my students and she did ask for more. But if you don’t ask, the answer is always no. You have to ask.

Why Don’t We Ask?

Given the magnitude of the consequences for not asking, you have to ask yourself, why don’t we ask for more? Why don’t we negotiate?

I don’t know about you, but several images come to mind when I think of negotiations and negotiators. The first image is a used car salesman (no—I’m not trying to be gender neutral here—it’s a man) with a loud tie and an obnoxious and pushy manner. And no, I don’t want to be like that. Another image that comes to mind is a hostage negotiator. I’m sure if I was held hostage, I’d want someone pulling out all the stops to get me back, but I’m not a hostage negotiator. In fact, in my safe urban environment, my contact with hostages and hostage negotiators is thankfully nil. They must be incredibly brave people, but that’s not me.

Because of these negative or frightening connotations, I don’t even like to use the word “negotiation.” It pulls up too many negative images in my mind. Instead, I like to call it what is it—ask for what you want. OK. I can do that. Asking for what I want sounds much more reasonable than negotiating but the end result is the same. You ask for more.

Afraid of Being Told No

When I ask my women students why we don’t ask for more I get several responses. First, we’re afraid of rejection. That’s right. Fear of rejection comes up again. Who likes being told no? Not me. And not many other people like being told no either. But this is where we go back to an exercise from earlier in this journal. Remember when I asked you to find a partner and ask for $20.00 three times? My guess is that you were told no. Three times. That’s three times of rejection. Yet you’re still breathing, your heat is still beating, and the sun is still shining—even if it’s behind clouds. The point is, no one dies from being told no. And if you’ve practiced becoming resilient, you hear “no” and move on.

We need to adopt the same mindset when asking for what we want. What’s the worst that can happen? They say no. You’re no worse off than you were when you started. Nobody dies and you move on. And trust me, you’ll feel better because you asked. More on that later.

We Don’t Deserve to Ask for More

Another reason we don’t ask for more is that we don’t think we deserve it. That’s right—we don’t believe we’re worthy or deserving of more. As previously mentioned, I was always so shocked that UC wanted to hire me, that I was scared to death to ask for more. And, judging from my students and the women I work with, I am not alone.

In fact, thinking you’re not worthy enough to ask for more is a common reason why new college graduates don’t ask. In a misguided version of humility—friendly reminder: humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less—newly minted graduates tend to focus on what they lack: not enough work experience, not enough education, not enough information about the company and the list of “not enough…” goes on and on. In fact, there is a program at my university—heavily dominated by women but led by men—that forbids students from negotiating internships. It drives me nuts. And here’s why. If you’re not good enough now—just as you are—to ask for more, when will you be good enough? The answer is never. Not allowing students to negotiate internships—which would be excellent practice—sends students the message that they’re not good enough. And we will spend years trying to drown out that self-defeating tape.

I always figured that at “the next step”—whatever that was—I would be good enough to ask for more. I got an MBA. Still didn’t feel good enough to ask for more than what was offered. Then I got a Ph.D. Nope—not good enough yet. Or a Ph.D. with pages of publications and teaching experience. You guessed it—still not good enough. My question to you is this: if you don’t feel good enough now to ask for more, when will you feel good enough? The answer? Never. That’s why you need to practice asking for more now. Will you get it? Maybe. Maybe not. But you start practicing now. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.

What Will They Think of Me?

And of course, many of us fear what others may think of us if we ask for more. People-pleasing rears its ugly head again. Seriously. Women are especially concerned that we will be perceived as greedy or rude or ungrateful if we ask for more. And who wants other people to think of them as arrogant or greedy? Not me. But this is faulty thinking.

There’s another way to reframe this fear of appearing greedy or ungrateful. Research shows that women negotiate better when negotiating on behalf of someone else than when negotiating for themselves. That should come as no surprise. Women are often conditioned and encouraged more so than men to be caring and sacrifice themselves for others. We love to help and we love to help others. And if it costs us? We help anyway. It is one of our strengths so it comes as no surprise that research corroborates what I’ve observed and experienced: women negotiate better for others.

I first experienced this when working for a woman department head. I watched her continually push for me—better pay, better title, better office, etc. She worked tirelessly to make sure her people were taken care of and were given all and more than they were entitled to. But when it came to asking the same for herself, she fell short. It was so frustrating to watch her get overlooked for pay increases, faculty awards and other perks because she did not advocate on her own behalf. How many mothers go without so their children can have what they need? Same behavior plays out in the business world.

And I too, behaved in a similar pattern. When an unthinkable tragedy hit my family, it fell on my shoulders to negotiate a settlement for my sister (now widowed) and her children with a Fortune 500 company. The company and I haggled over the course of months, as I tried to reach a settlement so that my sister and her children would be able to live without her husband’s income. Many times, I came home to my husband, mentally and emotionally exhausted, and exclaimed that if the money was for me, I’d accept the offer and be done with it. But the money was not for me. It was for my beloved sister, who had suffered much, and for her children who were now fatherless. And so, I persisted. And persisted. And my sister and her children will never have to worry about money. But I would never have negotiated so hard for so long, if the money had been for me. I would have quit earlier and settled for less.

Reframe Your Thinking

Here’s how you turn this self-limiting, I-don’t-want-to-appear-greedy, thinking around. Instead of thinking about how you would benefit from the negotiation, think about how others would benefit. If you make more money, that means more money for your family and more money you can use to help others. If you are able to negotiate a remote work day, that means you can run the wash while you answer emails and that means more time with your family.

In addition, one of my favorite authors on negotiating, Alex Carter, Professor of Law at Columbia Law School, urges women to negotiate to help other women. When one of us wins, we all win. When one of us asks for more, women who negotiate become the norm instead of the exception. Her mantra is “If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for the women coming up behind you.” But I’d still like you to get comfortable doing it for yourself.

What If They Withdraw the Offer?

Finally, another real concern about negotiating, especially for first-time job offers, is that the company will change its mind and rescind the offer. That’s right. We’re afraid that by asking for more, the company will decide that they no longer want us as an employee and rescind the offer. And yes, I’ll admit, that thought has crossed my mind. However, in my experience teaching over 1,400 college women to negotiate their first job offer, never has an offer been rescinded. A couple of very practical reasons why this is an unrealistic fear. First, as I teach my students, timing is everything. You wait to negotiate until you have the offer. It’s like the engagement that leads up to marriage. You wait until they want you—they’ve given you an offer, hopefully in writing—and you make it clear you want them. (Note: This is negotiating 101—I don’t play games like get an alternative offer to play off the first offer. You want them and they want you.) Secondly, you always negotiate from a position of gratitude. Thank you for this amazing offer. I’m excited to work at your firm and I was hoping…. You make it clear that you want them.

The fear, however, that the offer might disappear runs deep. I was consulting with women in a large firm whose main ask was the opportunity to work remotely one or two days a week. Post-COVID, this is minor ask and many workers are able to work remotely. But in the days of pre-COVID, asking to work from home a couple of days a week was a scary ask. The women expressed fear that they would lose their jobs. While I understand their fear, I cautioned them to step back a minute and consider their ask. They were not demanding to work remotely, nor were they threatening to leave if they couldn’t work remotely. They merely wanted to start the discussion of a remote workday possibility. When framed as a discussion, the ask become less threatening and yes, after much discussion, they got the remote workday, even before COVID. So, cross off the fear that the offer will be taken off the table.

By now, I’m sounding like a broken record. Fear—fear of failure, fear of what people will think, fear of what might happen etc. etc. etc. is the theme that keeps us paralyzed. But now you have resilience strategies and have practiced failing so that you know that failure is not the end; it’s merely a speedbump to get over.

The Danger of Not Asking

I am adamant about urging you to ask for what you want because the consequences of NOT asking for what you want are far worse than a possible rejection. For years, as I stifled my desires and kept my mouth shut to avoid upsetting anyone, causing conflict, or facing rejection, I thought I was doing everyone a favor by staying quiet. Nothing could be farther from the truth, and in fact, I paid for my self-imposed silence dearly.

While I thought I had buried my desires and they had gone away, in fact, they never went away. Like dirty gym socks in a closed up, hot car, my upspoken desires were simmering and smoldering. And like a volcano, these pent-up feelings—that I thought had disappeared—were ready to explode at a moment’s notice. Consequently, I would explode at the smallest infraction—unaware that the current incident wasn’t really the issue—it was my resentment surfacing. Unexpressed desires can also breed a host of negative feelings including resentment, anger, and cynicism, none of which is good for mental health or organization morale. And to make things worse, the person on the receiving end of the emotional explosion or passive aggressive behavior has no idea why you’re upset, because you didn’t ask for anything.

Let me give you a somewhat humorous example of how I practiced asking for what I wanted and the benefits of asking—regardless of the outcome. We’ve already established that I am a chicken when it comes to taking risks or speaking up about what I want. Consequently, I practice in the safest place and with the safest person I know: my husband. For the record, we’ve been married almost 50 years and decided long ago that we were going to stick it out together. When I make a simple ask, I’m fairly sure—actually totally confident—there will be no repercussions from asking. But that doesn’t mean I always ask for what I want.

Like other working mothers, I can use all the help around the house I can get. Yet, for reasons that really make no sense when I write them down, I tend to do much of the work around the house myself. (I probably need to re-read the section on control and delegating). In my afraid-to-ask-for-what-I want mode, I would announce to my family that “the dishes in the dishwasher are clean.” Now it doesn’t take a Ph.D., which my husband has, by the way, to figure out what I want. Everyone knows that when I say “the dishes in the dishwasher are clean,” that what I really mean is “Can someone unload the dishwasher?” Duh. What part of announcing clean dishes do you not understand???? But family members, including my husband, would nod in acknowledgment and continue whatever it was that they were doing, oblivious to my veiled request. Then I’d start grumbling about the lack of help around the house and put the clean dishes away as I started my pity party about being the only one in the house who did all the work. Cue the mournful violins, please.

One day, as the dishwasher was nearing the end of its cycle, I realized that since I was teaching my students how to ask for what they want, I needed to step up, face my fear, and do the same thing. So, I took a deep breath, and asked my husband if he could please unload the dishwasher. I held my breath because I expected the roof to cave in. Not because my husband was selfish or not amenable to helping, but because I was so afraid to ask for help. Keep in mind, the lack of help is not his issue. My husband is not a jerk. It is my issue; it is my responsibility. It’s not fair to hold someone else accountable for something you did not ask for. As I held my breath awaiting his response, he says, “Sure. Can it wait until halftime?” I just about fell over. You mean all these years I was dropping hints and getting no response and all I had to do was ask? Who knew? But this simple act reinforced the importance of asking and not assuming.

The important thing to do is ask. I don’t know if you’ll get what you want or not. Maybe you’ll get some of it, but not all of it. But if you don’t ask, you will regret it and you, and those around you, will feel the pain of not asking. It is important to ask, for your own mental health. And the biggest surprise of all? Who knows? You might get what you ask for.

Negotiation Framework

Even though I was too scared to negotiate, that didn’t keep me from reading books and articles on negotiation. I quickly picked up the terminology of the “win-win” perspective of negotiation. That sat well with me. Instead of winner and loser—and of course, I was always afraid I’d be the loser—the concept of two winners sounded nice. Even though I had no clue what it meant.

Enter Stephen Covey, a well-respected leadership expert who authored the NYTimes best- selling book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. While his work was not specifically intended for women, his negotiation framework was so revealing that I wondered if he knew me. His framework explains why women are often so repelled by the thought of negotiating, and why we adopt a losing strategy. That’s right. A losing strategy. Who would negotiate from a “I lose/you win” position? Turns out, I did. And so would most of my women students. Let me explain.

Note the qualities reflected along the two axes. Covey called the horizontal axis courage; I call it risk. Why? Because women, including me, are often not fond of taking risks. We’ve seen it throughout this guided journal and we see it in life. I don’t like taking risks and I don’t even like the word risk. Consequently, I acknowledge that asking for what you want requires that you take a risk. You might be told no. Low risk, or risk avoidance, is where I live. Just call me a chicken. Having the courage to take a risk is where I practice to become. Take a deep breath, feel the fear, and move forward anyway.

Covey calls the vertical axis “consideration;” I renamed it empathy. And face it, many women excel at empathy. We are good at thinking about how other people feel. And honestly, sometimes we are too good at taking on the feelings of others. There are times in my life I’ve felt like empathy-overload where I’ve taken on the burden of feeling others’ pain. But on the positive side, women are encouraged to be empathetic. In this model, there is high empathy—I care about others—and low empathy—I don’t give a flying f—- about other people. A bit extreme, but you get the point.

Negotiation Quadrants

Keep in mind, marketers love quadrants. I smile whenever I see one. The shortcoming of a quadrant, however, is that one of the quads—usually the low-low—is irrelevant. In the case of the negotiation quadrant, no one wants to be in quadrant #1: the lose-lose quad. I lose. You lose. We all lose. What is the point? Cross quadrant #1 off your list.

Conversely, the place where we are headed, and want to end up, is the #2 win-win quadrant. If you’ve done any reading at all on negotiation, you’ve heard the phrase, “get to the win-win” meaning the place where both parties get, at least in part, what they want. I agree—that’s where we want to get, but most of us don’t start out there.

That leaves two quadrants left. Take a look at quadrant #3—I win/you lose. And if you want sound effects, add a “na na boo boo” or “na na na, na na na, hey, hey, good-bye.” This quadrant represents the stereotypical negotiator that has left such a bad taste in our mouths and is the reason I avoided the possibility of negotiating for years because I didn’t want to be this person. This is the short-term, short-sighted version of negotiating. I win; you lose. These people are high on courage and are not afraid to ask for the moon. But they are low on empathy and could care less about your needs. This is a classic bully approach. Yes. You get the win. But this is short sighted. As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” I may be stuck negotiating with you the first time, but you’d better believe, I’m not coming back. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to become one of Wall Street’s toughest deal makers. I just want to be able to ask for what I want.

That leaves us with quadrant #4: I lose/you win. When I first saw the title of this quadrant, my initial thought was who in the world would approach negotiation from a losing perspective. That’s crazy. But as I started learning more about the “I lose/you win” people, I realized Covey was writing about me. People in this quadrant are high on empathy. They care about other people. That describes me—which can be good and bad. I’ve been in minor negotiation situations—like negotiating the price of a mattress for example (yes, you can negotiate retail) and been so concerned about the well-being of the salesperson and his/her ability to make a commission to feed their family, that I end up negotiating on their behalf. While that is generous of me, it is also foolish and unnecessary and is an example of over-empathizing.

But in addition to being high empathy, quadrant #4 dwellers are low on courage—a.k.a. chickens. Describes me perfectly. I care deeply about others and yet am afraid to ask for what I want. If courage is feeling the fear and moving forward anyway, lack of courage is, once again, being stymied by fear.

The I Lose/You Win Quadrant

Let’s get to know these quadrant #4 people—which is probably most of us reading this book—better. See if some of these descriptions sound familiar—both in practice and from earlier readings in this book.

People in the “I lose/you win” quadrant tend to be people-pleasers. Sound familiar? We’re so intent upon making sure that we make everyone happy, we totally ignore what we want or need, and succumb to their desires. We’re essentially saying, “It doesn’t matter what I want. I want you to be happy so we’ll do whatever you want.” Thud. Do you love me now? Maybe they do, but you just ignored your needs and wants and gave them away.

The “I lose/you win” people have a misguided definition of humility. In our convoluted thinking, we falsely believe that the other person and their desires, are more important than us, so we acquiesce to them. It’s like we’re saying, “You are so much more important, smart, significant, fill-in-the-blank, than I am, I’m not worthy to have a say.” Ugh. Asking for what you want has nothing to do with humility. If you don’t think enough of yourself to value what you want (which in itself, breaks my heart), ask for more because it will benefit those around you. Another way to reframe this one is to remember, when one of us asks, we all ask. If you can’t ask for yourself, ask for others.

A third characteristic of people in this quadrant is that they will do anything to keep the peace. Ouch. This is me. I am non-confrontational. I do not like to argue or debate and I will do almost anything to keep the peace, including laying aside my needs and wants to avoid the possibility of a conflict. It’s like saying, “It doesn’t matter what I want, it only matters what you want, so we’ll do that. I don’t want an argument, we’ll do what you want.” Seems to me I’ve used this false belief to justify family decisions that really don’t align with what I want, but I go along with them to avoid conflict. The joke is that this doesn’t really avoid conflict—it leads to the stifled feelings that explode when least expected. Thank goodness I’m getting better at expressing my needs. Much less conflict than a volcano explosion.

Finally, people in the “I lose/you win” category lack the courage to ask. Keep in mind, quadrant four people are high in empathy and low in courage. The end result is that we feel like our feelings, needs, and wants are not worthy. Hence, I’ll not ask. There are many things that make us feel not worthy—I’m not as important, as educated, as old, as valued as you are, so I don’t think I’m worthy to ask. The simple answer is yes you are. You are worthy and you have a right to ask. Once, again, no guarantees that you will get it, but you have a right to ask.

Strategies

So, what do we do now? I never give my students a problem without offering a possible solution and encouraging them to develop solutions. We can debate about problems until we’re out of breath. I’m more concerned with fixing it. What follows are strategies to help you ask for what you want. I’ve tried to include various scenarios, although the bulk of recommendations will focus around negotiating the pay for a first job. Keep in mind, however, these same strategies can be used to ask for a project, get off a project, request remote work, ask for flex time, and the list goes on. Like the resilience strategies, I use different ones at different times. But I have used them all. I offer multiple strategies so you can choose the ones that fit you and your style, the best.

Timing Is Everything

The most important thing when negotiating your first job is to get the timing right. Many students, in their efforts to be sincere and honest—both admirable traits—have the tendency to ask for what they want too early in the job application process. For example, in the early interview rounds, a student asked about the possibility of delaying the start date due to her sister’s wedding she, justifiably, didn’t want to miss. No problem in asking and this is a reasonable request. But it was too early in the game to negotiate.

When do you negotiate? After they’ve offered you the job. And not before. In the process of making a sale—and face it, getting a job is selling yourself—there is a process of steps you need to take before actually closing the sale. The same is true with landing a job. You find potential employers; you go through a series of interviews where they determine if they like you and you like them. Then, if things go well, you get a job offer. And if you want them, like they want you—now is the time you can ask for what you want. Not before.

Why is it important to wait until you have the offer and until you know this is the job you want? You need commitment. When they offer you a position, the company is committed to you. Conversely, these negotiation strategies are applicable assuming you want the job. I’m sure there are hard-core, ruthless negotiators (think the “I win/you lose” type) who will play games and secure an offer so they can use that as leverage to get a better offer elsewhere. Good for them. If that’s you, stop reading. I don’t play games and that’s not what I teach. I’m working under the assumption that they want you and you want them. If you want to play games, get another book, not this one.

Step 1: Power Up

The first step in asking for what you want is to recall your strength. Before you open your mouth or send that email response to respond to their offer, get your power pose on. Seriously. I am such a chicken, I power pose throughout the day to remind myself of my strength and power. And remember—that’s shared power, creating abundance and cooperation—not traditional forms of power over others. While you’re power posing, remember your successes. The times when you spoke up although afraid, finished the race while exhausted, created a hasty presentation that was not perfect, but good enough. The point is, you want to start the ask from a position of strength.

Step 2: Ask from a Position of Gratitude

This starting step is critical and was a game changer when I came to reframing the concept of asking for more. I love being grateful. Not that I’m always able to do that, but I find gratitude gets me out of pity parties, depressive funks, and selfishness. I’m a better person, even in the midst of struggles, when I realize I have much to be grateful for. My philosophy for negotiating is to “be grateful and ask for what you want.” My hero, Abby Wambach, puts it more bluntly, “Be grateful for what you have and demand what you deserve.”⁴ While I love Abby’s ambition—which likely accounts for why she is an Olympic medalist, and I’m not—I’m not comfortable demanding. I’ve demanded before and ended up feeling selfish—too much like the “I win/you lose.” But I am comfortable discussing what I need, listening to what you need, and problem-solving to find create opportunities for both. In short, engaging in “yes, and” thinking.

Step 3: Be Creative and Think About What You Really Want

Yes, I know. We all want more money. And I agree. Money may not buy happiness, but it does pay off school loans and buys health insurance. And nothing bad happens when women have money. Amen. Preach it, sister. More on women and money later.

For now, in addition to money, when negotiating a job, be creative about other aspects of the position that would make it more appealing to you. True, more money may provide an incentive, but there are other things to ask for in addition to, or as an alternative, to money. For example, you can ask for flex work, remote work, a sabbatical, a new project, get off a project, presentation opportunity, education support, conference attendance, pet insurance (yes—many companies provide pet insurance as a benefit these days. Our dogs are all “owned” by my daughter because she has pet insurance), a title, a special office, and the list goes on. The point is to define what brings happiness to you—not what you’re supposed to ask for because everyone else does (hint: people-pleasing showing up yet again).

Let’s Talk about Money

OK. We’ve avoided the elephant in the room long enough. The reality is that you need to ask for more money. Even if the company has made a generous offer. Even if you are offered more money than what you expected to get. You need to ask for more.

Why? Because asking is important. Not demanding—most of us, including me, are not of the same stature of Abby Wambach—but asking is important. When you ask for more, you are teaching someone to value you and that means you are teaching him to value all of us. If you’re not going to do it for yourself, do it for the women coming after you. The sisterhood. Asking for more isn’t selfish, it’s normalizing. When you ask, the next woman has a seat at the table.

As Columbia Law professor, Alex Carter tells, at one point in her career she was offered a salary that exceeded her expectations, so she called a senior woman for advice. The offer was actually more than what she expected to get, so her instinct was to accept the offer. But she wanted to ask a senior woman to be sure. Should she negotiate a good offer? Stop right here. Get this picture. Alex is an Ivy League lawyer—trained to negotiate for others—wondering if she should negotiate for herself. If an expert negotiator is hesitant to ask for more for her own behalf, no wonder the rest of us are scared spitless. Let’s give ourselves some grace. Furthermore, as she tells her story, the irony of wondering if she should ask for more was not lost on her. Her senior mentor minced no words. Always teach people to value you and ask for more. Not only did Alex ask, and get, more, her experience and trepidation negotiating for herself, amplified by her frustration of recommending negotiation books written by men, inspired to her write her own book on negotiation.

How Do You Know How Much Money to Ask For? Talking about Money

In Alex’s case, she had a number in mind and the company exceeded it—and exceeded it even more when she asked for, and got, an additional $5,000. But many of us have no idea how much to ask for or what is an appropriate salary range given our experience and education.

Think about what happens when you buy a house—another situation where you will negotiate. Before putting in an offer, your real estate agent most likely will provide you with “comps” from the neighborhood. This tells you the selling prices of similar houses in the area so that you can know your offer is comparable to other offers. You probably wouldn’t want to offer $300,000 for a house in a neighborhood where the average sales price was $250,000 in the last six months. Comps assure your offer is in a reasonable price range.

But how do you find out what jobs, similar to the one you’ve been offered, pay? My students, whose first reference is always Google, want to rely on internet sources and that’s a reasonable place to start. Websites are available to give you some idea about what jobs and industries pay. However, the cost of living, and consequently salaries, are very different in San Francisco versus Cincinnati. Add geography to individual differences in experience and education and there can a significant amount of variation between the job you’ve been offered and the salary posted on the internet.

While I think the internet is a great place to look for salary information, I also think we’re avoiding the elephant in the room. How many of you like to talk about money? As Sallie Krawcheck, a Wallstreet trailblazer with more than 25 years in the financial services industry purports, women would rather talk about death than money, and I think she’s right.⁶ To illustrate this point, she dares you to ask this question at a party. Full disclosure. I have done this. Make sure you ask it at a party where you never want to be invited back. Here’s the question: Which would you rather talk about—cremation vs. burial or how much money you make? Guess what we talked about? That’s right—the advantages of cremation over burial. And none of us were close to dying.

Why are we so reticent to talk about money? When I share my family experiences and I ask my students, we converge on the same culprit. We were all taught that good girls don’t talk about salary. In my case, I was taught it was rude and impolite to ask someone’s salary; good girls just don’t do that. And I wanted to be a good girl.

Word on the street is that men tend to share salary information. I’ve never been a man, nor do I ever want to be a man, but listening to the men in my Professional Selling class, my Women in Sales class, and observing other men, I tend to agree that men share salary information more readily than women. When it comes to negotiating, knowing the going rate and how your skill set compares with others is vital information to help you determine an appropriate salary range ask. It’s time to start the conversation about salary now.

How to Start the Money Conversation

A couple of ways to start the salary conversation. Salary, like age, can be a sensitive subject. How to ask about sensitive subjects? Use a range. For example, when I say to my students, “you know, a woman in my age range: anywhere between 40-80.” While I agree that is a large age range and I reluctantly admit that I’m now closer to 80 than 40, the point is that my students know I’m not talking about them, or entry level workers; I’m talking older. Use the same strategy when asking about salaries. “Can you give me some idea about the salary range for an entry-level employee?” gives the responder enough wiggle room to respond without being put on the spot. I also like de-personalizing sensitive questions. Instead of asking how much do you make, ask about the salary in general instead asking about their specific salary. Once again, this is where being a bit vague is an advantage.

Since I’m a chicken, I like to approach sensitive topics via email. That way, if the other person doesn’t want to respond, they just don’t answer my email and no one gets hurt. For example, I was once considering developing a new course which requires a large commitment of energy and time. I had heard a rumor that another woman—someone I don’t like or agree with—negotiated a course release and additional money for a new course development. I sent her an email. Because I don’t like her, and, I assume, she doesn’t like me, I didn’t really expect her to reply. But she did. She shared with me exactly what she asked for, what she got, and the rationale behind her request. I was shocked and thanked her profusely. A couple of months later, we were in a meeting and the men were talking over her so she could not make her point. Out of reciprocity and gratitude for her help, I interrupted the men. “Excuse me, I’d like to hear what Mary has to say,” so she could have the floor and make her point. She appreciated my support. We still don’t like each other, and we still don’t agree on much. But we support each other so that each of us can do well.

The email incident gave me courage. I asked about money and comps and got the information I needed for my negotiation. So I got up the courage and asked about money on a phone call. While a phone call is more personal than an email, it is also more socially challenging to decline when discussing money. Whereas it’s easy to not respond to an email, it’s less easy to tell someone you don’t want to answer their questions about your salary.

Imagine my surprise when I connected with a former student who runs his own consulting firm. Turns out, he had just done a motivational talk at a company with which I was currently negotiating a speaking fee. Please remember, he has a bachelor’s degree and much of his material was learned from my class which thrills me to no end. But I’m the teacher and I have a Ph.D. and MBA and years more experience. I mustered up my courage, explained the situation, and politely asked, “do you mind telling me how much they paid you for your one-hour talk?” I was relieved that this was before Facetime and that I could not see if he gave me a dirty look. Without hesitation, he told me the amount. I expressed appreciation and promised to return the favor by referring him to other firms. Imagine my surprise to learn he was paid exactly what I was asking. I appreciated the information and immediately raised my rates. Without his input, I would have never known what I was worth.

But the reality is we need to get past our fear of talking about salaries. I have students do a couple of different exercises in class to help them realize that nothing bad happens when women talk about money. The point of these conversations and activities is not to determine why did she get more than I did, but instead to figure out, how did she get more than me? Sometimes we start slow. I have a student admire something that a classmate is wearing and start the conversation. Where did you get it? How much did it cost? Guess what? Nobody dies. Yup. We can talk about money and no one dies.

Money isn’t pink or blue, it’s green.

If you’re working with a group of women, as is the case when I’m teaching Women in Sales, I like to use a “hit and run” activity. Have everyone in the class stand up. They are to approach others in the class and ask “how much do you make?” The other person can respond however they see fit. They can give their salary when they babysat as a teenager, they can cite their current salary, or they can say “none of your business.” Once they respond, they then ask the other person about their salary. Note that no one asks the other person’s name or details. The point is to get the salary information and move on quickly. After five minutes or less, I have the students sit down and I ask how many salaries they were able to get information on. Then I point out, once again, no one died. That’s right. I’ve been doing that activity in my class for almost 10 years now and no one has ever died. Never lost a student yet.

The Importance of Sharing Salary Information

How important is it to share salary information? It’s critical—not just for your first job, but for your entire career. Find a group of friends you trust and make a pinky promise to share salary information beginning with your first job. Remember—the goal is not why did she get more but more important, is how did she get more. Learn from each other. I’d also include men in your group. If they’re getting paid more than you, you need to know that. And every man is connected to a woman via a mother, sister, wife, niece, daughter, etc. Men need to know if women are getting underpaid. I wish I had done that when I was in college. Knowledge is power. Get comfortable talking about money.

Negotiation 101

Think of this as Negotiation 101. There are plenty of resources available to guide you through sophisticated and complicated negotiations. This is not it. What I offer is a basic primer on asking for what you want. This information will get you started. Remember, the most important thing is to ask. These guidelines are designed to help you ask for what you want.

Ask For More than What You Want

I know that sounds odd, but this increases your chances of getting the salary you want. For example, if the company offers $50,000 and you were hoping for $55,000, ask for $60,000. Most likely, you’ll land somewhere in the middle between the company’s offer and your counter offer. However, I have to add that you’ll never know what you can get until you ask. I never cease to be amazed at students who ask for more and get it. If you ask for the dollar amount you want, you’re likely to end up with less than what you were hoping for.

Don’t Cry If You Don’t Get What You Want—Keep the Conversation Going

What happens if you don’t get what you want? Nothing. You are resilient. But keep the conversation going. Remember—it’s all about relationships, not ultimatums. When I ask for more, it’s from a position of gratitude not demands. A “no” doesn’t always mean “no,” it frequently means “not yet.” Find out more about the “not yet.”

As an introvert, I’m a big proponent of asking questions. It takes the pressure off me, allows the other person to feel good about talking, and gives me good information. If you get a “no,” start asking questions to learn more about the decision, the decision process, and the constituents making the decision. Instead of asking “why,” which tends to put people on the defensive (i.e., why did you do that?), instead start your question with “tell me about your concerns….” “Tell me about…” opens the discussion to help understand the decision.

How to Disagree Politely

Not only am I a chicken, I am non-confrontational. I do not like to argue and would much prefer to stuff my feelings away than cause controversy or an argument. As you can imagine, I’ve always been hesitant to disagree because I didn’t want to start a fight. Shifting my language has been instrumental in cultivating conversation instead of starting arguments. For example, to voice a contrary opinion, avoid starting your statement with “I disagree.” As soon as those words slip from your mouth, the other person knows you oppose them and they start to “armor up” as Brene Brown says.

A couple of phrases I like to use to promote discussion instead of differences:

• I completely respect where you’re coming from and…
• That’s a valid point and…
• Let’s explore this together. Tell me more about…
• It sounds like we both want…
• Let me share with you…

Start with Respect and Acknowledgment

I love introductory phrases before a statement. If those phrases are qualifiers (“I’m not an expert, but”), I’m in trouble (see the section on qualifiers). Instead, use an introductory phrase that acknowledges the other person’s concern. This demonstrates that you heard their concern, and you acknowledge their position. You’re not saying you agree with it or like it—but you heard it. People want to be heard.

Replace “But” with “And”

Ignore your grammar teachers and stop using the word “but” to begin voicing your concern. Yes. I know it is grammatically correct because it signals to the reader that you are about to voice a contrary opinion. Unfortunately, in a difficult discussion, the word “but” does the same thing and before you can get your words out, your listener has been warned that a contrary opinion is coming and they become defensive. By starting your opinion with the word “and” instead of “but,” you leave room for both options. Instead of an either/or framework, you’ve now opened the discussion to a yes/and possibility.

I was working with another researcher on the topic of resilience. Both of us had studied the topic extensively, were confident in our positions, and approached the construct from different points of view. In the old days, before I knew what I know now, I would have arrogantly dismissed her work as less than mine and cut off the relationship. And it would have been my loss. With our shared interest in resilience—especially as it relates to women—it behooved us to collaborate instead of denigrate. Throughout our discussions, I resorted to these “yes and” phrases and we developed a powerful approach to teaching resilience. We still disagree on a lot. But those disagreements did not hinder our collaboration. I credit the “yes and” vocabulary.

“Tell Me About” Instead of “Why”

Another small but powerful change is to substitute “tell me about” instead of “why.” While “why” tends to be our default, raising that question can immediately put the other person on the defensive. “Why did you do that” makes them defend their actions. Instead of asking why in a difficult conversation, use the phrase “tell me about.” When you ask me to tell you about a decision, you more likely to get my thought process, intervening variables, and other valuable information. Asking me why I did something asks for justification to defends the decision.

Share Instead of Tell

Finally, another small but powerful word choice is substituting the word “share” for “tell” when relaying your experiences. “Let me tell you…” has a demanding tone to it. Instead, “let me share my…” has a gentler feel to the statement. You share with friends. Sharing experiences helps cultivate the relationship.

Negotiation Tips

I have negotiated in person, via phone, and through email and I have no strong preferences about which form of communication to use. They all work. It depends on the situation and the person you’re dealing with. Although the same basic principles apply no matter which form of communication you use, there are some nuances and strategies that work better in some situations than in others.

In Person—Be Big

If you are negotiating in person, review the chapter on body language and be big. Sit with your hands on the table, shoulder width apart, maintain eye contact, stop the head nods, and be frugal with your smiles. Don’t cower in your seat with your hands politely folded in your lap, knees crossed, and shoulders slumped.

When an unthinkable tragedy hit my family, I found myself in a boardroom of a Fortune 500 company facing the company president at the end of the table. I am a  college professor, not a lawyer and certainly not a professional negotiator. To say I was scared was an understatement. My knees were shaking under the table, but my hands were visible, shoulder-width apart. I looked him in the eye and told him the amount of funding my sister and her children needed to live on. I’m not saying my body language sealed the deal, but it didn’t hurt and my sister and her children will never have to worry about money.

On the Phone—Get Comfortable with Silence

If you’re negotiating on the phone, get comfortable with silence. Hard core negotiators (not me) will counsel you to look the other person in the eye and keep quiet. The rule of thumb with negotiations is that the first person to talks, loses. Harsh. This rule has been backed up by my qualitative research. Keeping quiet—hard as it is—is advantageous. We are not comfortable with silence—just ask any rookie teacher about the awkwardness of asking the class a question and waiting for someone to answer. Not fun. In fact, rookie teachers and even seasoned pros tend to answer the question rather than sit in awkward silence. While I don’t recommend staring your opponent down while you wait for them to give in, I do believe that remaining silent can be an effective tool in getting what you want.

My youngest daughter is an excellent example. Early in her career, she was offered a new position in Chicago which had a substantially higher standard of living than her current residence. The company made her a low offer; she countered with a higher dollar amount. Note: In fact, the amount she asked for caused me to pause. As her mother, I had to remind myself that the company will not rescind the offer. They want her and they will counter. You’d think I be brave at negotiating by now but I’m not. It is still, and likely will always be, scary. Nonetheless, I bravely smiled and supported her decision to counter albeit higher than what I might have done. As expected, her new boss called her on the phone and countered with a figure, higher than their original offer, but not as high as she asked. While her new boss was explaining the rationale behind the still low offer, my daughter was frantically calculating numbers to see if she could afford to live in Chicago on the offered salary. Fortunately, she has my math abilities and is slow at calculations. Meanwhile, over the phone, all her new boss heard was silence. Before my daughter could finish her calculations, her new boss, nervous over her silence, relented and responded the company would meet her desired salary. Cha-ching! And she didn’t really even expect to get a salary that high—she just wanted more than what they were offering.

Via Email—Gratitude Is Everything

More than likely, an entry level position or internship offer is likely to come via email. I especially like negotiating via email because it’s easier to get the wording precise. Here’s the pattern I like to use. While Abby Wambach says to be grateful and demand what you deserve, I’m not Abby, and I’m not wild about making demands, so my version is be grateful and ask for what you want.

The first sentence of your email is gratitude for the offer and your intention to work at the firm. Think of it like an engagement—they want you and you want them. Now you’re figuring out the terms. After expressing gratitude and intention, ask for what you want. “Based on my experience, education,” and the other qualifications you bring to the table, explain why you were expecting the higher salary that you name. Close your email with gratitude and your anticipation of starting work. What’s the worse they can say? No. And who knows what you might get when you ask.

Epilogue

After teaching women to ask for what they want, I receive the most heartwarming emails about their efforts. Never mind if they got what they wanted, they are so proud of themselves for asking that they write and tell me about their experiences. Let me share two student experiences with you—one student who got the money and one who did not. After landing her first job out of college, a former student sent me the following email. “I just wanted to let you know that for the first time ever, I negotiated my job. I was slightly terrified but I got what I wanted. That gender gap in pay is going DOWN.” Can you see me smiling? I especially enjoyed her description of being “slightly terrified.” I’m not sure how you are slightly terrified—my guess is that she was scared spitless. But the important thing is she did it anyway. She got over her fear of failure and asked for what she wanted.

The second student story has a different ending but I still consider it a success. This student came from a program where students are specifically instructed to not negotiate job or internship.

This student was offered an internship in San Francisco which had a much higher standard of living from her hometown. I was not surprised she did not get the additional money she requested. But what did surprise me was her reaction to the rejection. She was proud of herself for asking. It was beautiful to watch her talk about standing up for herself and what she wanted. Asking, not receiving, was success in her eyes. Then she also commented that she felt her new boss was impressed with her as well because she asked. The boss knows that if she is willing to stand up for herself, she is willing to stand up for the company. And I agree.

The power is in the asking. And we know, that if you keep asking (resilience), you will build confidence (by practicing), and you will eventually get what you want.