Confidently Communicating Confidence—Handling Interruptions with Grace and Dignity

When asked what skill women most need to learn, former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright replied, “how to interrupt.” While I don’t want to be an interrupter, nor do I want to teach women to interrupt, I do agree with Secretary of State Albright that we need to know how to handle interruptions.

In one of my all-time favorite pieces of research, Deborah Tannen examined conversations and interruptions between men and women. Observing a man talking with a man or a woman talking with a woman, over a set period of time, she recorded that each group interrupted on average, seven times throughout the conversation. Fair enough. I can live with that. But when she observed a man talking with a woman, the interruption rate shifted dramatically. Turns out, in a conversation between a man and a woman, on average, there were 49 interruptions; and 47 of those interruptions occurred when the man interrupted the woman. Seriously?!? And what concerns me even more is that college women predict the increased number of interruptions in a dual-gender conversation, which tells me they’ve experienced it and observed it. Not good.

To be fair, there are legitimate reasons for interrupting. It doesn’t excuse the behavior but doesn’t make it malicious. For example, I have been known to interrupt someone because I want to make a point before I forget it. Note to self: I now keep a paper and pencil with me so I can write down my comment and wait until the speaker is finished. A win for all. Interruptions also occur when the interrupter is excited about the comment. I have also been known to accidentally interrupt students in class because their comments are brilliant and I’m so excited they absorbed and integrated the information. While my positive enthusiasm is good, the interruption is not OK and, like men, I need to practice keeping my mouth shut.

But there are darker reasons for interruptions and, in those cases, we’re talking about a bully who is trying to exert power over or intimidate the speaker.

If you are dealing with a bully trying to wield power or intimidate you, there are options. Let’s start with what not to say. “Do you realize you just interrupted me?” seems like a fair, accurate, and reasonable response at the time. However, it tends to make the bully even more belligerent and he/she (there are women bullies too) is likely to not take it well and continue to interrupt even more. Cross that response, tempting as it is, off your list.

Here is an alternative approach to stopping interruptions.

1. Smile. As simple as it sounds, when you smile at someone, they smile back: disarming a fight. Secondly, it is hard to be mad at someone who is smiling at you. A smile is our secret weapon. Practice it and use it often.
2. After the bully is finished interrupting, in a calm, clear voice say: “There are a few more points I need to make. Can you hold that thought and I’ll come back to you?” And wait. Let the bully respond to your question “can you wait?” If the bully says no—“I need to make this point now”— you and everyone in the room know that the interrupter is a bully who is impolite and impatient. More likely, the interrupter will stutter and even be somewhat unaware that he interrupted. The civil response is “sure, you can get back to me.” The beauty of the “can you hold that thought” question is that it also works for the unintentional interrupter who is totally unaware he is interrupting. More than once, when I have used this strategy, the interrupter has apologized; he was so accustomed to interrupting, and no one ever brought it to his attention, that he was truly unaware of his behavior. If no one tells you, how are you supposed to know?
3. Another response is “I appreciate your feedback, but can you wait until I am finished?” Again, the interrupter may be so accustomed to interrupting without pushback that he is not even aware he’s interrupting. In that case, not only are you getting your point across, but you’re also educating on respectful behavior. One of the challenging things about handling interruptions is not losing your cool and instead, calmly demand respect. Self-control and finding the right words under pressure is tough. Consequently, I practice memorizing lines—like practicing lines in a theatrical performance—so I am ready when the situation arises.

Watching Others Interrupted

Equally as disconcerting as being interrupted is watching someone else get interrupted. It’s like watching a bully beating up some poor kid on the playground. It’s disconcerting to watch; we want to do something, but we don’t know what to do. Here’s what you can do to help.

If you observe someone getting talked over, help them out and teach others to help as well. While the bully is talking over someone, or refusing to call on a person, interrupt with “Excuse me. I want to hear what [Insert Name] has to say.”

That clears the floor and your friend, colleague, and/or teammate can add her comment. Clearing the floor for another person also has a payoff for you. The individual appreciates your help and is likely to return the favor when needed.

While on a dean search committee, the several vocal committee members continued to talk while an African American faculty member kept trying to make a statement. From my vantage point, they were ignoring him, talking over him, and not willing to acknowledge his presence. I interrupted with “Excuse me. I want to hear what Michael has to say,” which cleared the floor so he could make his statement. I have no memory of what he said—only that it was important that he speak. Several months later, when the search committee was divided on candidates, that same individual—who I cleared the floor so he could speak—voted with my side.

When clearing the floor for another woman or underrepresented population, remember you don’t have to like them or agree with them, but you need to support them because they deserve to be heard. And more than likely, they will return the favor and support you when needed. There are many women I don’t like and I don’t agree with. But I make sure they are heard because everyone has a right to be heard.

Didn’t I Just Say That?

Another disconcerting scenario that plays out way too often in meetings occurs when a woman makes a suggestion that is dismissed or ignored, while a man makes the exact same suggestion minutes later and the other bros think it’s a great idea. I’ve witnessed this too many times.

Here’s what you do. You need to call out the oversight because, if left ignored, the pattern of behavior will continue and intensify. Once again, speak up. “That was Jessica’s suggestion. Good to know that you like it.” Or point out that “Jessica said that five minutes ago.” Pointing the oversight out brings it to the forefront of attention so Jessica gets credit. You can point out that your comment was overlooked yourself but what I prefer is to have a friend—your fan club, female or male— acknowledge your contribution to the group. Helping others builds comradery and group support.

Mansplaining

Google, the expert on everything, defines mansplaining as “the explanation of something by a man, typically to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.” Author Rebecca Solnit ascribed the phenomenon to a combination of “overconfidence and cluelessness.” One of my favorite examples of mansplaining was listening to a male colleague tell me how to sell towards women when my dissertation, research, and teaching experience all centered around women and sales. Seriously?!?!? Sadly, we’ve all been there.

As a researcher, I’m always asking the question why? In the case of mansplaining, I’m going to give men the benefit of doubt. In the case of my dear husband, who has been known to mansplain more than I’d like to admit, in my heart, I truly believe he thinks he is being helpful. Unfortunately, he’s not. When I can stay calm and not verbally explode with the indignity of being treated like an idiot, my favorite response to mansplaining is smile (secret weapon) and say

“Thanks. I’ve got this”

and move on. The “Thanks. I’ve got this” response puts an end to the discussion without an argument. The key is staying calm and trying to assume good intentions.