Confidently Communicate Confidence

Every time I look at those numbers, it takes my breath away. First off, what do we mean by credibility? I see credibility as a first cousin, or maybe even sibling, to confidence. A credible speaker is someone who knows what they’re talking about—i.e., they have confidence in what they are saying. Credibility is knowing your stuff and making it clear that you know what you’re talking about. Why do I keep hammering this point home? Because in my experience, many women know what they are talking about. They have the knowledge, the research and/or the experience to support what they are saying. But you’d never guess it from the way they were communicating. They sound unsure of themselves and they appear to be unsure of themselves (a.k.a. lack confidence), with the result making it appear they have only marginal knowledge.

As a college professor, I have a front row seat to actual knowledge—as reflected in a grade and performance on class assignments—and the way students, women and men, convey their knowledge. It was soul crushing for me to watch my best and brightest students—women—sell themselves short when it came to performing a sales role play simulation in class. The women knew the material. They knew the product. They knew what objections to expect. I knew from their performances in class that they knew this stuff. Yet my top students—all women—would go into a sales role play simulation and become wimps. In contrast, the men, bless their hearts, would brag outside the sales role play simulation room about how easy this was going to be. They didn’t need to prepare. You just do it. And of course, they sounded great—they just had no idea about the customer, the product they were selling, or other relevant details. I had one young man speak with such confidence, he almost had me convinced that the 3rd party logistics company he was selling owned their own fleet of trucks. In case you’re wondering, the fact that the company is in 3rd party logistics means they do not own their own truck fleet; instead, they subcontract with independent truckers to broker shipments. This male student made it sound like he knew what he was talking about. But he had no clue. Conversely, the women knew the material, but were scared to death to let their knowledge show.

This statistic—credibility is 55% body language, 35% how you say it, and a mere 7% what you say—explained my pain. The women knew what to say—but unfortunately knowing what to say is only a small fraction of how we communicate credibility. The man in the extreme example above (and let me be clear, there are competent men) had minimal expert knowledge, but he knew how to convey credibility through his body language and how they spoke. Ouch. And I have fallen in the same trap. I knew what I was talking about but was afraid to show it. And without strong body language and tone, all the knowledge in the world gets overlooked as not credible.

On the positive side, these numbers give hope for an introvert like me. The thing that warms my heart about this statistic is that I can convey confidence without even opening my mouth. Fifty-seven percent of credibility is conveyed through body language, and I can do that without talking. Whew. For introverts like me, this takes the weight of the world off my shoulders. It means I can demonstrate credibility—that I know my stuff—without saying a word. What a relief. Talk about taking the pressure off. And believe me, I’ve learned powerful body language, and you can too.

Because body language is processed at a subconscious level, no one ever thinks to criticize body language. Have you ever been in a conversation where someone whispered, “Wow. Did you see Mary’s body language? She was looking pretty strong and powerful.” Probably not. But we’ve all been in conversations where a woman has been criticized for talking in an aggressive or assertive tone of voice. The complaint that “who does she think she is—talking like that?” is likely accompanied by the B-word. Yes. I know—there is a double standard. Men use a strong and powerful tone of voice and they’re praised for being assertive; women use the same tone and we’re criticized for being a B—-. As noted multiple times throughout this book, you and I cannot change the world, at least not today, but we can change the way we communicate. And by learning to use strong and powerful body language and tone, we can increase our credibility without threatening others.

In this section, we’re going to break apart confident communication into three topic areas—writing, speaking, and body language. We’ll start with writing because, as an undergraduate English major, writing is the easiest one to change. Consider how much communication takes place via emails. In many cases, your first introduction to a potential client, co-worker, or boss, will be via email so it’s important to get it right the first time. The other reason I like working with emails is because they are the easiest medium to notice and correct mistakes. I virtually never send an email in its initial form. I read it, correct it—in most cases, multiple times—and then send it.

Next, we’ll center our discussion on talking. It’s harder to change self-limiting speech habits because, face it, we’re thinking about what to say (7% of credibility), not how to say it (35% of credibility). And if you’re like me, I say it, and then realize I’ve made a mistake. But it’s easy to listen to the speech of others and notice when they undermine their power. Knowledge is power and studying the less than stellar speech habits of other unconfident women helps you identify your own issues. Once you’re made aware of power-draining speech habits, you can practice replacing them with strong, self-affirming language.

Then we’ll focus on the most significant aspect of credibility: body language. Body language is so powerful (friendly reminder—over half of credibility is communicated without saying a word) that little changes in body language can mean a lot.  But I’ll be honest. Body language is hard to change. Why? Because most of us are not looking at ourselves while we’re talking, negotiating, or giving a presentation. I have joked with my department head about fitting my Women in Sales classroom with full length mirrors. If I had mirrors, and women could watch themselves as they habitually make themselves small when talking, presenting, and selling, the problem would be corrected. Give me mirrors instead of technology. As you’ve probably guessed, my plea goes unheeded. But good news. With the ease of video recording, watching yourself is easier than ever. Equally painful, but at least it’s easy to videotape.