Perfectionism

“Hi, my name is Jane, and I’m a recovering perfectionist.” Note the active verb choice. I’d like to say I’ve licked the habit, but alas, I relapse all too often if not careful. And it turns out, I’m not the only woman struggling with perfectionism. If you look at the authors of my favorite New York Times bestselling books on the topic—Present Over Perfect: Leaving behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living by Shauna Niequest and The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown²—you might think more women struggle with perfectionism than men. While research tends to support the premise that more women struggle with perfectionism than men,³ my observations in the classroom, where I teach men and women, lead me to believe that many men struggle with perfectionism as well. Men may not admit the struggle as freely as women, but the struggle is there all the same.

Here’s the problem with perfectionism.  If you wait to be perfect (Red Alert!!!  You will never be perfect!!!) you will never do anything.  If you wait until you have all of the qualifications, all of the answers, all of the experience, you will never do anything. Because you will never have everything you think you need to be perfect.  Perfectionism is like chasing the horizon; you never get there.

I see this in my office every single day.  Way too often I have a student—usually a woman, but sometimes a man—come to my office to talk about adding a second major or a third minor (and I’m not exaggerating here, you know who you are) on top of their five co-ops and three internships, varsity team membership, etc., so they can get a job.  Seriously?!?  In my 40+ years of teaching college, I have yet to see a student eliminated from a sales job because she didn’t have the “right” major or enough internship experience.  Never.  But I have had women miss good opportunities because they didn’t feel they had all of the needed qualifications—i.e., they weren’t “perfect”—so they didn’t apply.

Not only can perfectionism keep us from taking a risk (we have to be perfect and if we fail that myth is broken), it can also keep us from finishing a project or degree. A common joke among academics is “What do you call the person who wrote the worst dissertation?” When telling this joke in class, I immediately add, “Don’t you dare say, Dr. Sojka—aka me.” So, what do you call the person who wrote the worst dissertation? Doctor. Pure and simple. And in the words of a recovering perfectionist, good enough is better than perfect. And in some cases, done is better than good.

My struggle with perfectionism played out when I was completing my Ph.D. I had always been an A student. In fact, a B+ was considered failure by me and I went crazy when I missed that A mark. While working on my Ph.D. however, I had three preschool daughters, an hour commute to my graduate program, and a husband who worked 60 hours a week. I had a choice. I could either continue my perfectionist behaviors and drive my family, including myself, crazy, or I could settle for a B. I learned to take a B because all I needed to do was pass the course and my small daughters needed my attention. Thirty-plus years later I can honestly say I made the right decision.

Is letting go of perfectionism easy or fun? No. I felt a tinge of pain when I was not nominated for any graduate awards. However, in my heart, I knew I didn’t deserve them; I focused my energy on my family and put graduate school as second. But I also knew in my heart I had made the right decision and my family survived intact.

Perfectionism Reframe

“Hi. My name is Jane and I’m a recovering perfectionist.” I’m not sure I’ll ever totally get over perfectionism, but it no longer has a strong hold on my life. In addition to the many quotations I use to remind myself of the self-limitation perfectionism requires, I’ve also tried to reframe how I think about perfectionism. What if I had demanded perfectionism and never submitted my dissertation because it wasn’t perfect by my standards? I’d still be working on it, or given up, and I would never have made it to the college classroom where I impact women on a daily basis. If you don’t apply for a job, or promotion, or committee because you meet some, but not all, of the criteria, who loses? Not only do you lose, your organization loses too. When you meet 80% of the criteria but don’t apply because you’re “not perfect,” your organization has to settle for someone with only 60% of the desired attributes. Not good for you or your organization.

Last Word

True, there are times when perfectionistic tendencies pay off, and many of us would not be where we are today if we submitted sloppy, mediocre work. But keep perfectionism in check. Remember you do not have to meet 100% of the criteria to apply to the job, men will apply with only 60%, and they get the job. Instead of trying to reach perfection, work on progress over perfection. You will get a lot further, and often become a much nicer person to be around. Focus on progress and mastery of skills instead of attaining perfection. Which, as we have learned, is unattainable anyway.