Confidently Communicating Confidence—Refusal Skills 101

Let me guess. If you’re like me and most other women, you are busy. You have no extra time, and you are barely able to keep up with your work, much less take care of yourself and others who depend upon you. And rest? Not an option. You get asked to be on a committee, board, project, team, (fill in the blank). What do you do? My guess is that far too many of us say yes even when we don’t have time, energy, or passion for the activity. No is a complete sentence.

The problem with saying “yes” too often—especially when we are already overbooked, stressed out, and not over excited about the task or the organization—is that we risk burn-out and risk spreading ourselves too thin. Feelings of being overwhelmed are not conducive to mental wellness or even physical health. We have a saying in marketing: you can’t be all things to all people, or you wind up appealing to no one. If you say yes to everyone who wants you to do something, you wind up doing too much and not doing any of it particularly well. I have seen women involved in so many activities, clubs, work, school, and family functions that I’m exhausted from hearing their schedule. That is neither a healthy, nor fun, way to live. And yet, we keep saying yes.

There are several reasons why we are afraid to say no. In some cases, we are people-pleasers and say yes to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or we think we are letting them down if we decline. Think about that for a minute. We are willing to hurt ourselves and wear ourselves ragged, even make ourselves sick, by accepting a position or activity we don’t have time for, rather than take a chance on possibly hurting someone else by refusing. When did we start thinking that others’ plans for our lives were more important than what we want for ourselves? Even though my ego likes to think I was chosen because I am special—and face it, we’re all special—the reality is that the inviter needs a warm body and we are all replaceable. If I can’t do it, someone else can. Problem solved.

Another reason we hesitate to say no is FOMO or fear of missing out. For some reason we think that if we decline an opportunity, the chance will never come again. Yet this is not true. If you decline politely and keep the conversation open, more than likely if the group wanted you now, they will want you in two years so a decline turns into a “not yet.” Furthermore, when I’ve had the courage to decline, not only did I save myself from a stress-induced nervous breakdown, I opened the door for someone to have an amazing opportunity. In retrospect, if I am being honest, the reality is that the other person did a better job with the opportunity than I would have. It was a win for both.

To get comfortable with saying no, we need to reframe the way we think about refusals. To avoid feeling bad about saying no, I prefer to reframe my “no” as opening the door for someone else to have an amazing opportunity. My “no” gives someone else a chance and helping other people makes me happy. Hence, my “no” is someone else’s “yes.” Everyone is fine.

But let’s be honest. Declining opportunities is scary. It can be as scary to say “no” as it is to say “yes” because you don’t know if you are truly making the best decision. So be prepared to experience initial panic and regret when you push the send button on your decline. Whenever I decline an invitation or activity, I initially feel a twinge of regret. As soon as I push the “send” button on the email, I immediately think, “oh no, what I have done?” and the regret starts to flow. But I have to say, I don’t feel the regret long. After 30 seconds—albeit maybe 30 long seconds—of regret, I continue my work and feel a great sense of relief because now I don’t have to worry about making time for yet another activity, responsibility, obligation, etc. Whew. I said “no” and now I don’t have to worry about it. The regret does not last long and instead is replaced with peace and accomplishment for standing up for myself.

Another reason we hesitate to decline opportunities is that we don’t know how to do it gracefully without burning bridges or hurting someone’s feelings. Below are some suggestions on how to say no politely. For more suggestions, check out Fran Hauser’s book, The Myth of the Nice Girl: Achieving a Career You Love Without Becoming a Person You Hate.

Here’s my strategy for declining an opportunity. If possible, do it by email. Email creates distance in the communication, and you can phrase the refusal carefully via editing. In general, whether you’re declining a job, a donation request, or a request for your time, always start with gratitude.

“Thank you for this amazing opportunity” or “Thank you for thinking of me.” Gratitude is contagious and never out of style. It reminds you that you are fortunate to be considered—even if you are not interested.

The second part of the email should contain a vague decline. Here the words vary depending upon what you are declining. In the case of a job or internship, you can cite family concerns, career goals, a fit, and other job offers, as general reasons to decline. Other examples of ways to decline are:

• “not a good fit at this time”
• “doesn’t align with my career goals at this time”
• “decided to pursue other options”
• “due to family concerns”

Complete the email with gratitude again for the offer.

If you’re being asked to serve as a volunteer, you also have options when declining.

Once again, start the email with gratitude. “Thank you for thinking of me,” and compliment them on their organization. Here are a couple of ways to address the refusal:

• Can’t participate because you need to focus on work, family, school, etc.
• Decline and suggest someone else. I love doing this because it gets me off the hook but makes the opportunity available to someone who might be interested and excited about participating. And I help the organization by suggesting someone else.
• Suggest a different role. I avoided volunteering for pre-school field trips by offering to play guitar and sing with the children weekly. Singing was easier, and much more fun for me, and it relieved me of the responsibility of field trips. Success for all.
• If asked for money, note that it is a wonderful cause, but explain your focus. In my case, I focus donations on children’s causes, my church, and animal rescue.

Once again, close the email with gratitude for their cause and for thinking of you.

One of the benefits of getting comfortable saying “no” is that it allows you to focus on your priorities. I get asked to do many speaking engagements on a multitude of different topics including how to study in college, the benefits of a marketing degree, and women’s empowerment issues. To avoid burning out and wearing out, I stick with speaking engagements on the topic of women’s empowerment. You can make a bigger impact, and avoid the stress of spreading yourself too thin, if you have a couple (that means one or two—maybe three, but no more than three areas of focus) it makes the decision to decline easier. The request either fits with my focus areas or it doesn’t. And if it doesn’t, I decline.

Think about what is important to you instead of bowing to the whims of opportunities that others put before you. Once I identified my passion—empowering women—decisions about what opportunities to access and which ones to let go was made easier. If it isn’t a hell yes, it’s a no.