Confidently Communicating Competence—Flattery Is Everything

My guess is that most of us don’t think much about compliments—giving or receiving—during our everyday life. Fair enough. But compliments are useful seeds to build us up and to build relationships. One of my favorite ways to start a conversation with a stranger or distant acquaintance is to compliment them. Their face lights up and the conversation is started. Receiving compliments is equally important because it gives someone the opportunity to build us up. Yet, many times, instead of acknowledging and accepting that we are worthy of praise, we deny our goodness. Let’s learn more.

Giving Compliments

Full disclosure—I love giving compliments. As a college professor, I love walking around campus, smiling at students, and saying something nice like, “you look great in your suit,” or “I love your shoes,” or “your book bag is so cute.” I love seeing them smile and stand a little straighter because they feel good about themselves. In fact, I like giving compliments so much that I have a sign on my office door that says, “Take a compliment—Please” and allows visitors to tear off a strip of paper with an uplifting encouragement like “You have a great smile” or “You inspire me.” Even off campus, I have been known to talk to complete strangers and compliment them on their haircut, their glasses, or their adorable dogs.

Why do I enjoy giving compliments so much? Because it builds the other person up. It makes them feel better about themselves and you can visibly see it when they smile. And research shows that when we build others up through gratitude and compliments, we feel better about ourselves as well. Sincere compliments build collective serendipity, it makes the other person feel good and it makes you feel good.

Another reason I practice giving compliments is that it is a great conversation starter. Compliment almost any woman on an outfit or purse followed by a question about where she bought it and the next thing you know, you’re bonding over shopping tips. And whether you enjoy shopping or not (I personally avoid shopping like the plague) the important thing is that you’ve started the conversation. Starting a conversation with someone you don’t know can be scary—especially for introverts like me—and a sincere compliment helps break the ice and start the conversation flow.

Some people hesitate giving compliments because it may sound fake or insincere. I couldn’t agree more. If you can’t give the compliment sincerely and honestly, don’t do it. But I would challenge you to actively seek out the positive and find something good to comment on. It brings out the best in us.

Accepting Compliments

Great. We’ve established that giving compliments is a win for all involved and can become easy to do with practice. Now let’s flip the conversation. What happens when we get a compliment?

If you’re like me, you might tend to do one of two things. Either I deflect it—“it’s no big deal, the other team members really helped a lot”—or I reflect it—”your purse is adorable too”—, neither of which is good. When complimented on my teaching—which I work very hard at and have earned the compliments I receive—my instinct is to give my students credit (and face it, I do have great students) or return the compliment. “That is so nice of you to compliment me, but the credit goes to the students. I have great students.” Or, “Thanks for the good words. I hear your class is great too.” Or in the case of someone I know really well (a.k.a. my husband) I disregard the compliment altogether. The dialogue goes something like this. Him: “You look great tonight.” Me: “Not really. (Add a shrug.) This is an old outfit. Just something I threw on.” Him: Look defeated. This begs the question, why are we so reluctant to accept a compliment—in other words, acknowledge that we are good?

Why do we find it so hard to accept a compliment? For many women, instead of acknowledging our greatness (and get used it—you are great 😊), we go overboard trying not to appear arrogant. And I agree. No one likes an arrogant person, full of themselves, and I would never want my students, my children, or myself to be perceived as arrogant. But conversely, we need to get comfortable acknowledging our success. Think about this: we apologize for things that aren’t our fault (like taking up space) while not accepting the positive things we are responsible for (like doing a good job). That sounds crazy. If that sounds crazy, it is.

Being humble doesn’t mean being a doormat (“it was really nothing” when you just about killed yourself to accomplish it). Remember, humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less. Humility doesn’t mean becoming a doormat, it means focusing on someone other than yourself. While we’re on the topic of focusing on others, consider what you are saying to the person giving you a compliment when you deflect it or reflect it. You are basically calling them a liar. When you don’t accept the compliment, you’re telling them they’re wrong. I’m not really as good as you think I am. Is that really what you want to do? Tell someone they are wrong? I don’t think so. For example, I used to respond to the person giving the compliment that “I am not that exceptional as a teacher; I have great students.” When I use language like this, I’m telling the other person they are wrong.

So now that we’ve established women tend to have a difficult time accepting compliments, how should you accept a compliment? The answer is surprisingly simple.

• Smile.
• Thank you.
• Shut up (or accept the compliment).

Now I admit I have a tough time with the “shut up” part of the answer given that I make my living talking. So I added a little addendum for women like me who feel the need to say more. My go-to response is: Smile, say “thank you,” and add “I accept your compliment.”

I remember the first time I did this. While teaching my Women in Sales course, a guest speaker—a goodhearted but somewhat patronizing older gentleman—spoke to my classes and complimented me on my teaching. To his surprise, I smiled, said “thank you.” He stammered, dumbstruck—expecting me to deflect it like a whimpering little puppy dog. That incident demonstrated to me, the power of owning up to well-deserved compliments. For more on accepting compliments see Shonda Rhymes, Year of Saying Yes.