Men take up space. That’s right. Men take up space. Part of that is because men tend to be physically larger than women. But even with physical differences aside, men tend to spread out while women tend to make themselves small. In fact, men tend to spread out so much—affectionately called man-spreading–that the New York City subway department had to run an advertising campaign to encourage men to only take one seat on the subway instead of spreading out over multiple seats. Men play big.

What does this mean for women? We have to rethink, and more importantly, revise our body language to reflect strength and power instead of fear, weakness, and invisibility. Why is body language so important? According to Albert Mehrabian, UCLA Professor Emeritus of Psychology, credibility—the perception that you know what you’re talking about—is communicated 58% through body language. Think about that. Over half of the way you communicate credibility and competence is through your body language. That means you don’t have to say a thing which is great news for us introverts. Furthermore, because nonverbal behavior operates on a subconscious level, people view a woman who uses strong and powerful body language less harshly than a woman who speaks in a strong and powerful way. Body language communicates strength and power for you.

So how do you practice strong body language? A couple of simple changes.

Take Up Space When Sitting

When sitting, the easiest way to take up space (your space—not others’ space) is to keep your hands on the table at shoulder width. Avoid the default posture of hands in your lap. What happens to your posture when you clasp your hands together? Your shoulders slump together and forward with the sum total making you smaller. If sitting with your hands shoulder width apart seems awkward at first—like it did to me—try this intermediate step. Take notes with a paper and pen. That’s right. Put away your small laptop and spread out with a paper and pen. It will help you start the habit of taking up space.

Feel awkward? Yep. I get it. But keep practicing until it becomes habit. The first few times I consciously took up space in a board room, it felt very awkward. I had to continually remind myself “hands on the table” in order to avoid relapsing into small behavior. So if it feels too awkward at first, try taking notes on paper. Taking notes yields another valuable dimension to communication. It tells the other person that what they are saying is so important you don’t want to miss a word, so you’re writing it down. You take up space and they feel important. A win for all.

Be Big When Standing

To be big when standing—like making a presentation—keep your hands at your side or, my preference, use hand movement to make your point. If you’re a hand-talker, like me, go for it. I tease my students that if my hands were tied behind my back, I wouldn’t be able to talk. Probably close to the truth. Movement attracts attention and, in this case, also helps you be big. While some communication experts find the hands annoying, as any marketer will tell you, movement attracts attention, so I see hand movement as a means of keeping others engaged in the conversation.

How do we stand when not being intentional about taking up space and being big? The default for most of us is to politely clasp our hands in front of us like we’re headed to confession. Notice what happens when you demurely clasp your hands in front of you. Once again, your shoulders slump forward, and your entire body becomes small. It is as if we’re trying to make ourselves invisible.

And while we’re at it, let’s talk about posture. When I say stand up straight, I do not mean shoulders back and chest out—that idea of posture was designed by men for men’s bodies. Standing straight for women means ribs knitted together to form a strong core. Think about how ballerinas keep the trunk of their bodies in one solid piece as they move their extremities.

For a strong base, keep your feet hip width distance apart. No, your hips are probably not that wide, but we’re not going to tackle body image in this book. Try this experiment with a friend who will not accuse you of assault. Have your friend stand with feet together—feet touching—and try to push her over. I’ve demonstrated this many times in front of the class and it never fails. I push the student over. Easily. Next, have your friend stand with feet hip width distance apart (hint: your hips are nearly as wide as you think they are). Now try to push your friend over. It doesn’t work. Standing with feet hip width distance apart gives you a strong and sturdy operating base. True, in most cases, people will not be trying to physically push you over, but they will try to verbally push you around and intimidate you. Don’t let them. Keep that strong and sturdy base. If you’re into yoga, it’s called Mountain Pose. If you’re into dance, it’s Primary Posture.

One last thing before we leave body language—what about aspects of our bodies that we can’t change, such as height? One of my saddest teaching moments was when a volleyball player came to me concerned that corporate recruiters found her height intimidating and she didn’t know how to shrink herself. To be fair, I checked with the corporate recruiters who work with my students. Not one recruiter found a woman’s height to be intimidating and, in fact, they saw it as an asset because height attracts positive attention and even encouraged the young woman to wear heels. Conversely, I’ve worked with gymnasts and cheerleaders who are under five feet tall and get confused for children. In that case, high heels work wonders when standing. But note that sitting levels the playing field. When sitting down, raise the chair height and suddenly, you are the tallest person in the room.

Power Pose

Why do I consider body language so important? Because it communicates to others. But the real reason body language, as well as all other forms of communication, are important is that it communicates to ourselves as well. Amy Cuddy, a Princeton Ph.D. now teaching at Harvard, did an experiment. Spoiler alert: watch her Ted Talk here: https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_may_shape_who_you_are

Dr. Cuddy instructed half of her students to prepare for an interview by spending two minutes being big. Students stretched out with feet on the desk, stretched their hands up to the sky, and took up as much space as they could. The other group of students were instructed to make themselves as small as possible before entering the interview room. Did interview results differ on the basis of being big or small prior to the interview? You bet they did. Students who practiced being big before entering the interview felt they performed better than the students who made themselves small. In addition, the interviewers felt the students who practiced being big before the interview performed better than those who had made themselves small. Before any important meeting, interview, or conversation, spend two minutes, in private, being big.

How much do I personally believe in the Power Pose? In past years, I taught a marketing principles course in a large auditorium that held 600 students. Before every class I did the Power Pose in my office before stepping onto that auditorium stage. At my exercise barre studio, as part of every workout session, we practice taking up space and being big. It’s a good daily reminder that we have a right to take up space.

At the risk of overwhelming you, here’s the deal. Please, please, please do not attempt to make all these recommended adjustments at once. While individually they are minor shifts in behavior, taken together they become overwhelming. Don’t do it. Pick one. Observe. Practice. And make it your default habit. Then slowly integrate another one into your behavioral shift. As you become fluent and comfortable with your power and you realize it doesn’t hurt anyone, it will become easier to make these adjustments and stop you from giving away your power. 

For an extra challenge, get a friend to observe you and make sure you’re being big. Practice correcting or complimenting each other. Making ourselves small is a habit. It’s time to practice being big and to get comfortable with being noticed. Change the habit from being invisible to being big. And remember, not only are you communicating confidence and credibility to others, you are also communicating it to yourself. Your body believes what you tell it. So tell it good things.