Stop Apologizing for Things that Aren’t Your Fault: Eliminate Sorry

Imagine you’re in a crowded hallway. What do you say when you accidentally bump into someone in a crowded space? My instinct, and since I was raised to be a nice girl, is to apologize and say “I’m sorry.” Think about that for a minute. It is a crowded hallway. I did not intentionally run into the other person. Nor did the other person intentionally (I’m assuming) run into me. Some architect designed the hallway too small and there is not enough space for all the people in it. So why am I apologizing? I have a right to be here. As does the other person. We have as much right to take up space as the other person. So why do we apologize for taking up space?

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate manners and civility and believe kindness can go a long way in terms of healing misunderstandings. I would never want to behave in a rude or unkind way, nor would I ever teach my students to behave badly. But on the other hand, why should we apologize for things that are not our fault like accidentally running into someone in a crowded hallway? Research shows that women apologize more frequently than men. And apologizing for taking up space is only the beginning.

I’ve received emails from women students apologizing for things that would break your heart. One student apologized for having Multiple Sclerosis. Her email began, “Dr. Sojka, I’m so sorry for missing class today. My MS has been acting up….” Whoa! Hold up. You are a young woman, dealing with a horrible disease, and you’re apologizing to me for missing class? No way. Another equally disconcerting email arrived from a student who almost lost her father in a car wreck. “Dear Dr. Sojka, I am sorry I have been so distant the last couple of weeks. My father was riding his bike when hit by a car and is currently in intensive care….” Oh my goodness. My heart sank. This student was dealing with her father’s serious injuries and apologizing to me for missing class?!? I think not. These are heartbreaking examples of where no apology is needed.

There are several reasons why we may overuse the word sorry. We want people to like us (attention all people-pleasers). We want to be nice. We don’t want to cause trouble. And we certainly don’t want to be perceived as pushy or rude or inconsiderate of others. So, yet again, we make ourselves small—by using qualifiers, hedges, small body language, and in the case of “sorry,” by apologizing for things that are not our fault. Are you beginning to see the theme here? In every form of communication, writing, talking, and being (body language) we make ourselves small to avoid the possibility that we may upset someone.

Turns out, I’m not the only woman who tends to make herself small by apologizing too frequently. Research reveals interesting gender differences in the use of apologies. Research conducted by Cornell’s Math Ph.D. program found that when the women in their program don’t do well, they attributed their failure to their own shortcomings—they weren’t smart enough, they didn’t deserve to be in the class, they didn’t study enough, etc. The men? A different story. The men blamed their failure on the difficulty of the course, not their own shortcomings. As Deborah Tannen points out, there is ample evidence to suggest that women are more likely to offer expressions of contrition than men. Yikes! No wonder apologizing has become a mainstay of our communication.

Needless to say, when I teach the topic of eliminating the word “sorry,” in a mixed gender class, I have hesitations. On the one hand, there are men who need to apologize more. Even my devoted husband, who brings me flowers and nice things, rarely has the courage to mumble the s-word when he’s messed up. But for women, and some men, it’s a different story. I’m convinced that if you do something really wrong—you ran over my mother with your car—you need to apologize. But for most of us, we need to practice apologizing less.

Stop Apologizing for Taking Up Space

Once I started studying, and consequently noticing, how frequently other women and I said “sorry” I knew this habit had to change. I also know, from putting into practice the many things I write about in this book, that old habits die hard. To eliminate “sorry” when accidentally bumping into people, I took a 3-step approach to breaking the habit.

1. Notice the problem. I started noticing how often I said “sorry” and how often other women said it as well. Knowledge is power, and the first step to making changes is acknowledging the issue. And note, it is much easier, and much more fun, to notice how much other people mess up instead of acknowledging your own limitations. Enjoy it temporarily and then start looking at yourself.
2. I wasn’t ready to stop apologizing completely—remember, I’m still a nice girl—so I switched to “excuse me.” This still sounded polite, but it was still an unnecessary apology. The “excuse me” was a nice middle step and I believe in being kind and considerate to others. However, the bottom line is that we have a right to take up space.
3. After getting used to “excuse me,” it was time to go all out and eliminate the apology altogether. Now, I use my secret weapon—my smile—and say, “no problem.” The “no problem” makes it clear that the bump was an accident—no ill will towards anyone. And the smile is the non-verbal cue to communicate that I’m nice about it. It works. It conveys “I’m OK and you’re OK” and we both go on our way. Do I still forget and revert back to my “sorry” when I inadvertently bump into someone? Absolutely. But with practice, I’m getting better at apologizing less.

Don’t give away your power by apologizing for things that aren’t your fault, such as the width of an overcrowded hallway.

Replace “Sorry” with “Thank You”

I like to keep things simple, so the easiest way I found to eliminate the word “sorry,” is to replace it with “thank you.” For example, think about what happens when you’re unintentionally late. The traffic is bad, there’s a wreck, you get a last-minute phone call that must be handled and voila! You’re late. (Note: If you are intentionally late—like my husband to church—this solution is not for you. You need to skip this section and go apologize). Instead of apologizing for your tardiness—it’s not your fault the road crews chose today to eliminate one lane of traffic—tell the waiting party, “Thank you for waiting for me.” Think about what you just said. First, you thanked them for waiting. Who doesn’t like being thanked? It makes us feel good. Secondly, you didn’t give away your power by groveling with the typical “I’m so sorry I’m late. I feel so bad that I made you wait…” Instead of apologizing, you thank them and make it clear you appreciate their time. And you’re not giving away your power by being pitiful and begging for forgiveness for something that wasn’t your fault. It’s a win-win for all. And it works. I rarely use the word “sorry” now but am generous with giving others my gratitude and thanks.

A while back, I gave a workshop on cutting out apologies to women athletes, several of whom were on the women’s lacrosse team. Word got back to me that they had eliminated the “sorry” on the field. Turns out, before learning about excessive apologies, every time a player made a mistake on the field, she would apologize to her teammates. “Sorry, bad pass.” “Sorry I missed that.” After my talk, the team decided to eliminate the word “sorry” when on the field, and instead, to keep playing. “Sorry” was not allowed. I wish I could say the team went on to become national champions. The reality is that I don’t know how eliminating sorry affected their win-loss record. But I do know this: The women players felt stronger when they quit apologizing and making themselves small. Eliminating “sorry” from their vocabulary didn’t hurt.

An added bonus for being frugal with apologies is that, when you quit saying sorry for things you can’t control, in times when you are truly sorry, your sympathy is sincere. When one of my students loses a family member or friend, I truly am sorry. I say it and I mean it. The overuse of sorry cheapens the emotion, and that is not our intention. Now I reserve “sorry” for meaningful occasions like death or a tragic loss—and I mean it.

And if you don’t believe me about the power of eliminating “sorry,” listen to a women’s empowerment expert, Barbie, for a fun, but accurate, assessment on eliminating “sorry.” This cartoon Barbie’s Vlog captures our real-life behavior.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9ahiHpM3yQ See how many of these situations you recognize.

I don’t know about you, but I always find it easier, and find it more ego-gratifying, to observe other peoples’ faults rather than work on my own. Ouch. However, there is value to observation. Knowledge is power, and once I started studying the debilitating nature of apologizing for things that aren’t our fault I also started observing how often I heard women, and some men, continually saying sorry. It broke my heart. When I teach this lesson in class, every class at least one student can identify a friend who apologizes for everything. Be observant. Do you have a close friend or family member that overuses the word “sorry”? You have the power to help them reclaim their power. Teach them ways to avoid apologizing for things that aren’t their fault.  

Eliminate Sorry in Emails

Speaking isn’t the only place to eliminate the word sorry; it needs to be eliminated in emails as well. I used to apologize like crazy in emails—as if that would make me appear humble or gracious or more lovable (note the people-pleasing theme again?). While teaching 1,000 students in mega-section classes one semester, I was inundated with student emails. It would take me a week to respond by virtue of the mail volume. I was so afraid that students would think that I was ignoring them, I’d start emails to students with “I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back with you…” (note the intensifiers—this was before I started teaching Women in Sales). I was apologizing for having so many student emails that needed responses. And I’m the professor—not a peer. Talk about giving my power away.

Then I started teaching Women in Sales and knew I needed to practice what I was teaching my students. I shifted my email responses to “Thank you for your patience with my delayed response” and then succinctly addressed the student’s concern. The first semester I used the thank you strategy, I was scared to death. I was sure I would see teaching evaluations commenting on my rude emails and my insensitivity to student needs. Guess what? Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. And in fact, I had fewer students question my authority. Why? Maybe it’s because I didn’t give away my power by apologizing for class size which wasn’t my fault.

Instead of giving away your power and groveling for forgiveness for something you didn’t do, thank the other person. They’re happy that you appreciate their patience, and you didn’t give away your power while groveling for forgiveness. Everyone’s OK.

Other sorry substitute examples:

• Replace “I’m sorry you’re sick” with “I hope you feel better soon.”
• Instead of “I’m sorry I made a mistake” respond with “Good catch! Thanks for bringing that to my attention.”
• Replace “Sorry I missed your call” with “Thanks for calling.”

Eliminating this one word, sorry, is a game changer. Now I rarely use “sorry” when speaking or in an email and when I do—usually in the case of a death—I am truly expressing my sorrow. Saying sorry means more when you say it less. Don’t apologize for things that aren’t your fault.