Communicate Competence Confidently—Swap Qualifiers for Quality

The previous section focused on writing. I like to start there when creating new habits because writing is easier to correct. Simply delete and replace. Speaking is harder for me since I tend to talk and then realize I could have said it better. Quick review—remember 37% of credibility is how you say it. Judging from the number of qualifiers I hear used by women (and men) in class and in meetings, we need some serious surgery on qualifiers and how to quit using them. 

What’s a qualifier? Qualifiers are phrases added to the beginning or end of a statement that undercut authority. Typical qualifiers are “I’m not an expert, but…”, “I was just thinking…”, “I just want to say,” or, one of my personal favorites from class, “Can I ask a question?” (after I’ve called on a student because she had her hand up). When a woman asks permission to ask a question I want to scream—Yes! Yes! Ask your question. That’s why I called on you. Ugh.  

Sometimes qualifiers are used at the end of the sentence. I was in a meeting when a woman remarked that she completed a marathon last weekend, “but it wasn’t a fast time because I was running with my friend who ran a slower pace.” What?!?! Seriously?!?! You finished a marathon and then apologized because it wasn’t as fast as normal? Think about the response you’d get if you asked a football player what position he plays. He’ll tell you the position but will neglect to tell you he’s never gotten in a game. And that’s OK.  

There are a couple of reasons why we use qualifiers at the beginning of our brilliant statements. First—and yes, I know I’ve said this before but I’m saying it again—we’re afraid we might be wrong. In fact, we’re so afraid we might be wrong (i.e., fear of failure) that we factor failure into our otherwise intelligent statements. Starting a sentence with “I’m not an expert…” already accounts for the reason you might be wrong. Wait a minute. You haven’t even made your statement and you’re already figuring it might be wrong. Seriously?!? 

A second reason why we add a qualifier before our dazzling statements is a false and inaccurate sense of humility. We are so afraid that we might offend someone by talking too bold, too proud, too assertive, that we undercut ourselves by watering our brilliance down. “I just wanted to say…” is the shriveling, shrinking violent, cowering in the corner only wanting to get in a few words. Stop it. And stop it now.  

You have a right to speak. And you have a right to make whatever statement you feel is appropriate. Now I’m not saying everyone will always agree with what you say. And if they don’t? Who cares. You’re resilient. You’ll speak up again. But there is no need for you to diminish your presence to make others feel more comfortable. 

There’s only one thing to do with qualifiers. Eliminate them.  

Because most of us acquired the habit of using qualifiers, we need to consciously become aware of them so that we can eliminate their use. In some cases, other phrases can be substituted. Replace “I’m just thinking off the top of my head” with “let’s do some brainstorming about this.” Instead of concluding a statement with “does that make sense?” ask about them. “How did that land with you?” or “what are your thoughts?” My favorite way to break the qualifier habit is to say the qualifier silently to myself, then speak my statement out loud. Eventually, you’ll forget the qualifier and go straight to the point. But it takes practice and attention. 

I don’t know about you, but I find it much easier to fix other people than work on my own stuff. Not good. But the first step in quitting qualifiers is becoming aware of them and how much you hear them. Once I started studying this stuff, I was appalled at how often I heard qualifiers—not just from students, but from top-ranking university officials. It is a bad habit that we need to break. Here is the three-step process I’ve used to break the habit.   

1. Listen to how often you hear other women, and men, use qualifiers. Knowledge is power and once you become accustomed to hearing them in conversation, you’ll recognize them in your speech as well. 
2. Knowing that I have a tendency to start a sentence with a qualifier, I mentally rehearse the statement before speaking it out loud. For example, “I’m not an expert in this industry, but I wonder….”  and note the qualifier. Then, I mentally whisper the qualifier to myself “I’m not an expert in this industry” and speak the statement “But I wonder….” It feels awkward and tedious at first, but remember, these are habits ingrained in us over many years. It takes practice to undo the habit. 
3. Make a pact with a friend and call each other out when either one of you uses a qualifier. Stop the conversation, repeat the statement minus the qualifier. Ask your friend if you sounded pushy. Ask yourself if you felt you were being pushy. Guess what? You don’t need qualifiers.   

When a student uses a qualifier in class, I will call for a “redo” and have the student repeat her brilliant statement minus the qualifier. Then I ask other students if she sounded pushy or arrogant. The answer is always no. I ask the student did she feel pushy or arrogant without the qualifier. The answer again is always no. It’s important to notice and validate that our fears of appearing too pushy or arrogant are unfounded. Instead, we sound competent and confident. Do I still slip up and use qualifiers? Absolutely. But I’m getting better at eliminating them. 

Remember, when you communicate to others, you are also communicating to yourself. When you start a sentence with “I’m not an expert” both you and the receiver hear that message. When we use qualifiers, we weaken our authority and we hear ourselves as weak. Quit undermining your authority. You don’t need to apologize for asking a question or not being an expert. Make your statement. Period. Don’t give away your power. There are plenty of people who want to take our power; don’t give it to them.