Confidently Communicate Confidence—Don’t Give Away Your Power

“Clear is kind.” Brene Brown

Why are we talking about writing first? Because it’s the easiest to correct. As an undergraduate English major, I learned the value of writing, re-writing, and in many cases, re-writing yet again. Case in point, while writing and re-writing the manuscript for this book, my beloved editor would eventually become exasperated with my re-writes (perfectionism rearing its ugly head yet again?) and declare enough. It is written. Stop re-writing.

The value of writing is that you have a chance to get your ideas on paper, or on the computer screen, first (the 7% what you say of credibility), then edit how you say it which is almost three times (35%) more important. And writing is especially important when it comes to emails because of the speed of delivery. A personal favorite mantra is “respond—don’t react” and truer words have never been spoken when dealing with emails. A reaction email is a snotty-gram where, what you say may be true, but the way you say it will send negative reverberations forever. A respond email takes time to think about how to say it so that the message is more likely to be acknowledged.

Power Writing—Emails: Less Is More

So let’s back up a minute. Think about how you read your emails. Where are you, and what device—laptop or phone—do you use to read your emails? Sometimes we may use our laptops, but in many cases, we read emails on our phones. Now think about the issue with that. Consider the size of an average phone screen. A grammatically correct, well-composed, lengthy sentence reads well on a laptop screen. That same sentence when read on a phone makes the sentence look like the preface to a Russian novel (friendly reminder—Anna Karenina by Tolstoy is over 800 pages in print).

Now take this a step further. What do you do when an email is too long? Tell the truth. If you’re like me, I delete it. I’m not going to read all that text on a phone screen. At best, I might skim a long email. But most likely, I delete it. Unread. Game over.

Why am I spending so much time trying to convince you to shorten your emails? Because it’s hard. And we are not in the habit of doing it. The quickest and easiest way to shorten emails and make a bigger statement is to cut out the filler words. Time to start trimming.

Try the little experiment below that I use with my classes. These are excerpts from real emails from actual women students. I’m not making this up. Keep in mind, I am a college professor and I love my students. So any student who makes a request of me is likely to get it, because I love helping students. Yet look at this writing. I’m only giving you the excerpt; the actual email took up half a page (or at least it seemed that way). And this is from a top student.

Dear Dr. Sojka

……I was wondering if you would be willing to help us promote our activity. We would like to ask if you could possibly please share this information with your colleagues……

When I first introduced this activity in my Women in Sales classes, I was dumbfounded by the results. The women in class were OK about eliminating some of the extra words, but it was the men in the class who nailed the assignment. What did the men write? For the first sentence, “Would you promote our activity” And the second sentence? “Please share this information….” The men in the class instinctively reduced a fourteen-word sentence to five words. And the men’s second sentence was just as brief.

Research confirms what I observed in my class; women tend to add more filler words, hedges, and intensifiers than men. Furthermore, because as women, we’re used to padding requests with filler words, we expect everyone to write that way. Consequently, we can misinterpret email messages that are short and to the point as unfriendly or animosity.

As part of my faculty appointment, I served on our university Institutional Review Board where all research that involved human subjects—that means people in scientific terms—was reviewed to confirm the experiment participants were safe and respected and that no federal, state, or local regulations were violated. The members on this committee were scientists and medical doctors. When I had questions or concerns about a particular piece of research, I would spend hours writing long, glorious emails to the IRB head, explaining my position and concerns. To my dismay, I would receive a short, two sentence response. I assumed he hated me. Why else would he not respond at length? Once I started studying gender differences—and in this case, probably academic discipline differences too—in communication, his stark emails made sense. It had nothing to do with me. He was efficient and to the point. And patterning my responses to his style greatly helped our communication.

When I read the “I was just wondering if you would be willing to help us…” out loud to my students, the groveling tone of request is unavoidable. It is as if we are afraid to ask “would you…” so instead, we grovel and plead and hope that the reader will consider our pathetic plea for help. Whoa! Wait a minute. Remember, I told you this email came from a student—a good student—and as a professor, I’m inclined to go out of my way to help students. So why is she groveling?

My guess, and my students’, is that we are afraid to ask for what we want. We hope that by adding enough filler words, we sound humble and polite. The reality is that we sound small and pathetic. Seriously. What’s the worst that can happen? The reader, in this case me, might say no. So what? Move on to the next person. Instead of asking for what we want, we make ourselves small and pitiable. Remember—you can be pitiful or powerful, but you can’t be both. Pick one. And there’s no question which one I pick. There are enough people out there who want to make us small—so why would we want to do it to ourselves?

Instead of using fluffy language, there are other ways to convey care and concern for the addressee. I like to start an email with something personal that shows I care about the individual. It could be something as simple as “I hope you had a good weekend…” But if I know someone has been sick, or a family member is sick, I’ll start the email with “How is your dad doing? I hope he’s doing OK.” Or you can close the message with a note of appreciation such as “Thanks again for all you do to make this a positive experience for our freshmen.” Adding a personal sentence conveys your care and concern for the other person without diminishing your power.

Cut the Hedges (And I Don’t Mean Trim the Shrubs)

There are other ways we weaken ourselves and give away our power when we write. How often do you use these words in your writing?

• I think
• I feel
• Maybe
• Perhaps
• Kind of
• Almost

The bottom line for all of these words or phrases is that they convey weakness, insecurity, and a lack of confidence.

These words are considered hedges—it is as if we’re afraid to definitively state our position and instead soften our language when we’re uncomfortable asserting our ideas or afraid of being perceived as too aggressive. All of these undermining speech habits give away power. Which sounds more compelling?

“I think the thing to do is…” or “the thing to do is…..”

Taking out the hedges or fillers doesn’t make you sound aggressive; instead, you sound competent and confident. And here’s the other thing. We think we’re making ourselves more likable by using soft language but the reality is that if someone wants to attack you for your ideas or for who you are, they will come after you no matter how much you try to soften your language. You might as well say what you need to say and eliminate the hedges. But wait, there’s more….

Other Words to Avoid in Emails: Just

How many times have you started an email with “I’m just checking in….” Until I made a conscious decision to stop giving away my power, the word “just” appeared throughout my messages. Think of what you’re really communicating when you insert the word “just” in your communication. We use “just” when we feel we need to apologize, or when we’re worried about coming on too strong. It’s as if we’re saying, “I only want to say….” Really?!? Don’t apologize. Say it.

Listen to the difference in these phrases—

“I’m just checking in…” versus “I’m checking in…”

“I’m just concerned that…” versus “I’m concerned that…”

Actually

While I’m more of a “just” girl, and I must continually practice eliminating the word “just” from my writing and speaking, one of my daughters actually has the same issue with the word, you guessed it, “actually.” Typical talk would include “I actually think…” or “I actually disagree….” Think about what you’re actually saying when you overuse the word “actually.” It is as if you’re surprised you have a thought or that you disagree. Figure out your filler of choice and practice eliminating it.

Other Weak Words to Avoid—Intensifiers

Intensifiers have the same de-valuing effect on writing as hedges. An intensifier is an added word that increases the magnitude of statement. Intensifiers include words like so, very, always, never, only, quite, etc. Instead of saying “I’m happy to help” we add “I’m always happy to help” thus intensifying our commitment to oblige instead of being direct: happy to help. When we write, “I’m very excited” instead of “I’m excited” we think we are increasing the magnitude of our enthusiasm, but in reality, we’re over exaggerating because we don’t think our excitement (without the very) is enough. It is. Cut out the intensifiers.

How ingrained are these writing habits? Old habits die hard. In the course of writing the manuscript for this book, I cannot tell you how many times I inserted the word “so” in a sentence. It is as if I have to intensify what I’m trying to say in order to get the reader to listen. Not true. Many of the “so” words originally in this manuscript have fortunately hit the cutting room floor.

Watch the !!!!!

And as long as we’re talking about language that undermines our power, let’s not forget the overuse of exclamation points and, my personal favorite, the smile. Context is everything and if you’re writing to your mother or best friend, your style will be different from an email written to your boss or company CEO. I confess, I tend to include smiley faces when writing emails to students. I truly (note the use of an intensifier) want my students to know I care about them and that I’m warm and friendly—not cold and aloof. So, I use smiley faces to convey my friendlessness and willingness to help.

But if I’m writing to an academic colleague or administrator, the exclamation points and smiley faces are a no-go. I convey warmth by an introductory sentence and keep the writing short and to the point. I remove the hedges, intensifiers, and exclamation points before sending.

Do you have someone who would pre-read your emails and give you honest feedback? I offer this service to all my Women in Sales students and many students take me up on it. They craft their email, eliminate the hedges and qualifiers, and then send it to me for a second opinion. Their initial fear is that the email sounds too harsh. Their fear is unfounded. In my ten years of pre-reading powerfully revised emails from students, I have yet to read one that offended me with its abruptness. In fact, I read the email, subconsciously evaluate it as sounding professional (yay!!!), and then am shocked at the student’s “PS—did this sound pushy?” addendum. In virtually all cases, what initially feels pushy to the student, comes across as professional to me. But my second reading, and confirmation, gives the student the confidence to send the email and continue writing from a position of strength. Find someone who will do the same for you and be that reader for someone else.

Here’s the thing about communication. We think the important part about communication is the message we send to the other person. And I agree. But it’s also important to remember that we too are reading that message. And every time we use a hedge to undercut our authority or make ourselves small, we are communicating that message to ourselves. There are enough people who want to make us small and insignificant; we don’t need to do it to ourselves. Stop it. Get comfortable with your power and don’t give it away.