21 Revising the Descriptive

This section will lead you through the guidelines for revising descriptive essays in reference to two samples: another student’s essay and your own essay. Revising is often much easier to do with someone else’s writing, which is why we will begin with a writing sample from another student. If you can see some of the strengths and weaknesses in this essay, you might be able to identify areas for improvement in your own writing.

Student Sample Essay

Revising the Student Sample Essay

Thesis Statement

Does the thesis statement contain the essay’s controlling idea and an opinion about that idea?

Does the thesis appear as the last sentence of the introduction?

1. Put brackets around the last sentence in the introduction paragraph. Does it contain the author’s dominant impression?

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2. Rewrite the thesis statement if necessary, so that it states the author’s dominant impression as clearly as possible.

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Basic Elements

Does the title draw in the readers?

Does the introduction capture the reader’s attention and build up effectively to the thesis statement?

Does each body paragraph deal with a single topic?

Does the conclusion bring the essay to a close in an interesting way?

1. Give the essay an alternate title.

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2. Rewrite the introduction so that it captures the reader’s attention and builds up to the thesis statement at the end of the paragraph.

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3. Does each of the body paragraphs deal with only one topic?

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4. Rewrite the conclusion.

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Development

Do the body paragraphs adequately support the thesis statement?

Does each body paragraph have a focused topic sentence?

Does each body paragraph contain specific details that support the topic sentence?

Does each body paragraph include enough details to fully explain the topic sentence?

1. Write out the thesis statement (revised, if necessary), and list the three topic sentences below it.

Thesis Statement: _______________________________________________

Topic 1: _________________________________________________________

Topic 2: _________________________________________________________

Topic 3: _________________________________________________________

2. Do the topic sentences adequately support the thesis statement?

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3. Does each body paragraph have a focused topic sentence?

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4. Does the essay draw on all five senses?

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5. Add at least one detail to the essay that refers to another sense. You might get some ideas from the notes you made in the margins of the essay when you read it. Label the detail you are adding.

Sense: ____________

Detail: ______________________________________________________

6. In what way does the essay show rather than tell readers about the memories of the grandpa?

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Unity

Do the essay’s topic sentences relate directly to the thesis statement?

Do the details in each body paragraph support the paragraph’s topic sentence?

1. Read each of the topic sentences, with the thesis statement (revised, if necessary) in mind. Do they go together?

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2. Revise the topic sentences if necessary so they are directly related.

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3. Drop or rewrite any of the sentences in his body paragraphs that are not directly related to their topic sentences.

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Organization

 Is the essay organized logically?

Is each body paragraph organized logically?

1. Read the essay again to see if all the paragraphs are arranged logically.

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2. Move any paragraphs that are out of order.

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3. Look closely at the body paragraphs to see if all the sentences are arranged logically within paragraph.

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4. Move any sentences that are out of order.

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Coherence

Are transitions used effectively so that paragraphs move smoothly and logically from one to the next?

Do the sentences move smoothly and logically from one to the next?

1. Circle five transitions the author uses in the essay.

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2. Explain how two of these transitions make the essay easier to read.

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Revising Your Own Essay

Thesis Statement

Does the thesis statement contain the essay’s controlling idea and an opinion about that idea?

 Does the thesis appear as the last sentence of the introduction?

1. What dominant impression are you trying to communicate in your essay?

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2. Put brackets around the last sentence in your introduction. Does it contain your dominant impression?

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3. Rewrite your thesis statement if necessary so that it states your dominant impression as clearly as possible.

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Basic Elements

Does the title draw in the readers?

 Does the introduction capture the reader’s attention and build up effectively to the thesis statement?

 Does each body paragraph deal with a single topic?

 Does the conclusion bring the essay to a close in an interesting way?

1. Give your essay a title if it doesn’t have one.

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2. Does your introduction capture your readers’ attention and build up to your thesis statement at the end of the paragraph?

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3. Does each of your body paragraph deal with only one topic?

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Development

 Does the body paragraphs adequately support the thesis statement?

 Does each body paragraph have a focused topic sentence?

 Does each body paragraph contain specific details that support the topic sentence?

 Does each body paragraph include enough details to fully explain the topic sentence?

1. Write out your thesis statement (revised, if necessary), and list your topic sentences below it.

Thesis statement: _________________________________________

Topic 1: ___________________________________________

Topic 2: ____________________________________________

Topic 3: _____________________________________________

2. Does your topics adequately support your thesis statement?

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3. Does each body paragraph have a focused topic sentence?

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4. Does your essay draw on all five senses?

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5. Record three details from your essay that represent three different senses. Label each example with the sense it refers to.

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Detail                                          Sense

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_____________________             ______________________________

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6. Add at least one new detail to your essay. You might get some ideas from the margin notes you made on your essay when you reread it.

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7. Does your essay show rather than tell readers what they need to know? Give three examples.

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Unity

 Do the essay’s topic sentences relate directly to the thesis statement?

Do the details in each body paragraph support the paragraph’s topic sentence?

1. Read each of your topic sentences with your thesis statement in mind. Do they go together?

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2. Revise your topic sentences if necessary so they are directly related.

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3. Drop or rewrite any of the sentences in your body paragraphs that are not directly related to their topic sentences.

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Organization

Is the essay organized logically?

 Is each body paragraph organized logically?

1. Read your essay again to see if all the paragraphs are arranged logically.

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2. Refer to your answers to the development questions. Then identify your method of organization:

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3. Is the order you chose for your paragraphs the most effective approach to your topic?

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4. Move any paragraphs that are out of order.

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5. Look closely at your body paragraphs to see if all the sentences are arranged logically within paragraphs.

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6. Move any sentences that are out of order.

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Coherence

Are transitions used effectively so that paragraphs move smoothly and logically from one to the next?

 Do the sentences move smoothly and logically from one to the next?

1. Circle five transitions you use.

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2. Explain how two of these transitions make your essay easier to read.

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